Infidelity and Divorce Among the Faithful

Emotional attraction is a mysterious thing to me. It seems that there are so many factors in the attraction equation. In all cases, the question of attraction can be boiled down to one observation, and that is this: that one is attracted to something or someone because there is a need that one perceives, often not consciously or deliberately, that the object of the attraction can meet. We tend to be attracted to people for friendship because the personality of certain others is such that we wish to identify with them. They may resonate with us in some way or exhibit characteristics that we don’t have, but wish we did.

I’m attracted to unique individuals because I am a unique individual and most everyone else has a level of predictability that fails to stimulate me interpersonally. We may choose a certain automobile because we think that others will see us favorably, or at least more accurately, behind the wheel. I know people who drive vans and call them SUVs. Why? Because they perceive a certain sociological stigma with driving a van and they fear being identified as one who is in such mean estate as to warrant driving a van.

One thing my wife and I learned in premarital counseling is that it is unreasonable to expect one’s spouse to meet all of one’s emotional needs. We are to be identified with one another explicitly, exclusively, mutually and mortally with regard to our marital covenant. However, while we are principally and in principle to meet one another’s needs, realistically we will each have needs that may preclude our capacity to fulfill our purpose from time to time. God is certainly aware of this.

No married couple is an island. We have the sociological context of family, church and community, all of which may overlap. We must develop good relationships with those outside the marriage who likewise support our marriage. When the struggles of daily life present the temptation to play the Adam, Eve and serpent blame game, we need the ear of someone who won’t be put off by the disclosure of our distress and who is trustworthy to provide the proper perspective on the sacrificial service we are called to bear for our spouse.

The divorce rate is alarmingly high. The divorce rate among Christian churchgoers is no different than that outside the church. Perhaps it is because mature Christians don’t cohabitate sans marriage like many non-Christians. If you throw the breakups of cohabitating couples into the statistical mix, then a striking difference may be noted. Nevertheless, Christians should not be divorcing each other.

What has changed to cause the divorce rate has escalated? Perhaps it is that sociological expectations have changed. Commitment to a marriage was once expected of spouses by those who knew them and had some influence in their lives. But the influence of others has changed. Wher we were once influenced locally by others who knew us, we have been increasingly influenced by the opinions of celebrities in the media who decidedly don't know us.

Who gives others influence over our lives? We do. However, it is a sign of weakness to allow others to have influence over us. We know this because we allow those who espouse such a view to have influence over us. We see the view espoused in movies. We see popular people and strong leaders who have other bend their will to theirs by for no other reason than they have a charisma that draws other people to them - not because they are particularly wise.

The people who should have influence over us are those who who would improve our marriage. First, our spouse, inasmuch as he or she is obedient to Christ. Secondly, our freinds and family inasmuch as they are obedient to Christ. Thirdly, our church family and ministers inasmuch as they are obedient to Christ. Christ established the pattern for a marriage in the willingness to sacrifice all for your spouse.

The same sociological degredation that is destroying our marriages also causes distrust in the community at large. We suspect, often correctly so, that when others ask how we are doing today they don't really want to know the truth. We are often more concerned with whether we are being awkward than with building true friendships. We don't engage others on a level where they are in a position to influence us positively because we don't trust that they will actually want to help us. Furthermore, and not so tangentially, the homosexual agenda has caused otherwise straight people to fear this sociological intimacy that is necessary for personal influential accountability.

When we don't recieve the emotional intimacy we need through appropriate means, we are prone to percieve that the need can be met in otherwise inappropriate ways. A husband who finds himself attracted to a woman who is not his wife percieves that she will meet the needs that are not being met otherwise. For a church to handle an adulterous husband with proper church discipline is good. However, when the church fails to encourage the appropriate relationships that would have prevented the adultery in the first place, then the church as a body needs to repent for they have not ministered to the sinful man and encouraged righteousness. Indeed, the ills of fallen society have permeated our Christian fellowship.

I've become increasingly convicted of this and have sought to find a means to encourage the growth of a men's ministry in my church which has a corporate foundation, but draws on the strength of the personal invesment of individuals in the ministry. A program will fail, but changing sociological expectations is the only way to succeed in changing the viability of marriages in the church. If you are a Christian man, I encourage you to take steps in your own church to these ends for it is only on a local level through the actions of individuals that this trend will change and we will become truly faithful to Christ in our marriages.

Real Men Know How to Commit

The LA Times ran an article on October 19th that discussed the recent divorce of French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Their argument is that it is strange that this is news because a little French 15-minute divorce has no bearing on the capacity of President Sarkozy to lead France. (The fact that they reported on it indicates that they indeed think it’s newsworthy, but that’s beside the point.) This is the old Bill Clinton argument – “what he does in private doesn’t affect how he leads the country.” Al Mohler offered a thoughtful view on this and ended with this:

“If a candidate cannot keep and honor marital vows, why should voters believe that he or she would show greater fealty to an oath of office?”

It’s not that marital fidelity itself has any bearing on the activities that enable a president to run the affairs of the nation, but that infidelity is indicative of a deeper problem that does have significant bearing on the capacity to govern publicly. What many reasonable people see when they see a president who can’t keep his personal commitments is a man who may not be faithfully keeping his public commitments.

Up for debate right now is what the Bible says about divorce and remarriage. David Instone-Brewer wrote an article in Christianity Today arguing for greater latitude in what should be allowed for in terms of divorce and remarriage. John Piper responded on his blog with a strong view against remarriage after divorce. Now, Andreas Köstenberger has added a third, more temperate view.

Now, I’m surrounded by all kinds of people who have divorced and remarried while their earlier spouse(s) are still alive. Many of these are Christian. Some of them are now rather godly people. Here’s the trick: I can’t allow this to affect my judgment as I analyze scripture. So far, I’m leaning toward Piper’s reading. I won’t go into the particulars, but I’ll sum up that I think Jesus and Paul both teach that divorce is not ideal. Despite the allowances made in the Law of Moses, God’s plan is that we not divorce. I believe that there are practical circumstances which may necessitate separation (abuse, abandonment, infidelity), but that there can be no remarriage when God does not regard legal divorce as spiritually legitimate.

Now that may not seem fair, but look at our sin. We have not learned or taught what we should look for in a mate. More importantly, we have not learned or taught what it means to keep commitments. Willow Creek Church led by Bill Hybels recently confessed an repented that they have sunk millions of dollars into programs that have failed to disciple their membership. When it is easy to get by without spiritual growth, few will grow. When it is easy to divorce, few will be fully committed. When divorce is sociologically difficult, people will invest more in learning how to discern the best spouse and how to care for their spouse.

I’m a man and I’ll direct this to men. This was said by my pastor recently: “Men think about two things all the time: food and sex. …all men struggle with their sex lives.” The context of his comment was loosely with regard to marital fidelity. Real men know or will learn how to focus this struggle toward keeping their marital commitment to their wives.

For me, my wife and I decided before we were married that the D – word was out. Since that time twelve years ago we have spent all of five seconds with our voices raised at each other. I’m not joking. She thinks that if we express a difference of opinion at all, we’re having an argument. Most of the time we “argue” about who’s going to make a decision:

“Honey, what do you want me to fix for supper? Spaghetti or meatloaf”
“They both sound good to me. You’re pickier than I am. What are you in the mood for?”
“I’ll eat either one. You decide.”
At this point, I go for a coin and she gives me a funny look.

That’s a typical “argument” at my house. Men, how you can make your home like this:

1. Be willing to sacrifice your wants and desires for your wife. Offer to help your wife often in doing whatever she’s into and be willing to do whatever she says. Your kids will see this and respond positively. The best gift you can give your kids is a healthy marriage with your wife.
2. Be willing to sacrifice you want and desires for your children. Play with them and show them careful attention. Your wife will see this and respond positively. Third, look for ways to positively influence your wife without making her feel belittled by it.
3. Consider whether she has a delicate ego and will not take criticism very well. Don’t preach, guide gently. Turn the word “husband” into a verb and husband your wife. If you’ve ever surfed, it’s like balancing delicately on a board and having the ride of your life. If you’ve ever quarterbacked, it’s like a perfect pass into the end zone. You just can’t toss the ball any old way – you have to pay attention and aim carefully. If you’re off by just a little or hesitate either you are or the receiver could get creamed. Complete the pass and you’ve scored big.
4. If you expect her to change for you, you must be willing to change for her. Allow her sensibilities to inform your relationship.
5. Take the initiative and treat your wife to her favorite whatever without expecting anything in return.
6. If she yells at you, recognize that there is a deeper problem. Do not return her ire, but be attentive to what she says so you can treat the immediate issue. However, understand that she is responding to a rift between you. Find out what the rift is and do whatever it takes to repair it in all kindness. She will recognize your earnest desire for her and respond.
7. Grow together spiritually. Go to church together, study the Bible together, pray together, train up your children together, minister together. I realize that there may be people who read this who have no faith. If so, you have no hope of accomplishing this. That’s the bottom line.

This list is not comprehensive, I’m sure. I just typed it off the top of my head. It’s what I do every day in my marriage. I sacrifice for my wife. I consider that when we married, I no longer had any right to “Jim” because I was now inextricably part of “Jim and Lois” and am committed to do everything in my power to make the best “Jim and Lois” possible.

There are certainly practical situations I have not addressed here. This will be material for some future post, I’m sure. Nevertheless, the principles I have offered here should help most difficulties you encounter. Whether you are President of a nation or the shoveller of manure, I encourage you to keep your marital commitment.