Husbands, Are Your Prayers Hindered? Do You Understand Your Wives?

I have heard this numerous times among men. With a chuckle of knowing resignation one may tell another what his wife does that doesn’t make sense to him. “There’s just no understanding women,” they might say.

Is this right?

In a larger passage about being subject to each other, Peter writes:

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7 ESV)

Peter admonishes Christian husbands to understand their wives and live in accordance with that understanding. Not only is it possible for a husband to understand his wife, it is commanded. Husband, you study cars, sports statistics, politics, or whatever else you are interested in. Yet you refuse to study your wife to know her better? Study her like your life depended on it.

The effect is that the wife of a Christian husband will be honored. Perhaps you don’t want to honor your wife. Why did you marry her if you didn’t want to honor her? You show yourself to be a fool for an honored wife will glorify her husband. (1 Cor 11:17)

Ultimately, however, the result of not doing this is that the husband’s prayers will be hindered. I said study her like your life depended on it. If you’re prayers are your connection with the One who gives you life, then your life indeed depends on understanding your wife and living like it.

Christian husband, an amazing way to fulfill this is to pray for your wife. You should be doing this anyway, but I know that many do not. I have seen miracles happen in marriages where husbands pray for their wives. The next miracle could be for you.

What Kind of Marriage Advice have You Heard?

I love my wife and I love finding ways to serve her as a husband ought. So I like to read material that has particular insight in this area. There are sundry articles entitled things like "Ten Things Your Husband Wants You To Know" or "What Your Wife "Really Needs From Her Husband". There are books by Christian and secular authors with all kinds of good or okay teaching and advice.

I've read enough of these that I have a categorization system for the advice and teachings I find. I have four categories, or echelons, of increasing insight. The first echelon comprises behavioral advice. The second echelon comprises emotional insight. The third echelon comprises instruction in worldly wisdom. The forth echelon consists of insight into spiritual wisdom. Interestingly, each one is predicated on the conditions of the echelons above it such that one must be spiritually wise in order to adequately evaluate worldly wisdom, a couple must be steeped in wisdom to meet each other's emotional needs, and a couple must practice meeting emotional needs in order to produce ideal behaviors.

The behavioral advice of the first echelon generally consists of the typical admonition to only have sex with whomever you are married to and be nice to each other. For many people this is the only echelon with which they are concerned, and even still they struggle with it. It's not enough to simply be told not to commit adultery. It's not enough to be told to be nice to each other, even though particular ways of doing this are iterated. So the commercial comes on the radio and you hear people telling how they have made their marriages better and I hear people say things like, "I talked to my wife on the phone from work and listened to her. She likes it when I listen."

The fact is that we each go through periods of bad behaviors. Ok, cheating on your spouse may be a deal breaker for most, but spouses may get grumpy or snap at each other. A fellow I know is married to a woman who is manic-depressive. Most of their married life is spent at odds with each other as a result. But the trust he has for her extends to the point of understanding that she doesn't really want to be the way she is. And her trust in him is an understanding that life with her is difficult and he sometimes gets upset as a result.

As for not cheating on your spouse or not being abusive, the only way to have self-control is to be spiritually wise. It's part of the gift of the Spirit. You won't want to do what's right if you aren't motivated by the Spirit. Otherwise, you are only motivated by the desire not to lose your spouse and that only lasts as long as you really want your spouse around.

The emotional insight of the second echelon usually contains therapeutic information with heavy doses of the author's personal experience as examples. Emotional insights focus on spouses being more sensitive to each other's emotional needs resulting in specific behaviors. For example, typical insights are for husbands to help their wives out around the house and listen to them without offering solutions because that's what women need. Wives are admonished to try to have more sex with their husbands and act like they admire them because that's what men need.

The insights here are typically not biblically found, but where there are biblical references, they are often contrived. I hate when I read otherwise good therapeutic insights from Christian counselors with attempts to back it up with biblical references that would be recognized as poor hermeneutics by any decent theologian. For example, Ephesians 5 doesn't instruct a wife to love her husband. This doesn't mean that she shouldn't love her husband and there's nothing in the text from which to reasonably extrapolate anything supporting the observation that most men are wired to yearn for the respect of their wives. Now it's good to observe that most men have some motivation in a marriage to be respected by their wives, but no Christian teacher should use a passage from the Bible just because he thinks he needs to find one to support an empirical observation. Sheesh.

Between the third and fourth echelons, I draw a distinction between worldly wisdom and spiritual wisdom. This is an important distinction, but without clarification, it may be lost on many people. Worldly wisdom is the wisdom of experience and practicality. It's the realm of common sense and is limited in its scope to the immediately observable. Worldly wisdom is not intrinsically bad, but not intrinsically good either. Worldly wisdom is passed along in humor where mixed motives serve to neutralize any impact of informing the attitudes of listeners. As such, these nuggets of "wisdom" can be apprehended by people with both good intentions and bad intentions.

This worldly wisdom of the third echelon can range in depth. On the lower end, a husband may make a comment dismissing his buddies when wife calls him by saying, "I better get this, the boss is calling." In the middle are such cute sayings like the old couple when asked if their marriage is "fifty-fifty" by smiling coyly and saying "seventy-thirty". You don't usually get much of an explanation as to what they mean by that. But on the upper end, you may get a serious author who seeks to enlighten couples that their "differences are meant to compliment each other." That they each have strengths and weaknesses and where one is weak, the strengths of the other exist to cover for them. No mention is generally made of the reasonable supposition that both may be strong or weak in some of the same areas. Nevertheless, it can be a fruitful teaching if the couple takes it and earnestly tries to work together as team as such, trusting each other's strengths and handling each other's weaknesses with grace.

The fourth echelon is lost on most people and most authors never truly address it. The reason is that they presume that if you read their book or article, that you already have some desire to work on your marriage and therefore already love your spouse on some level. They are content to leave it at that. But such is only a prelude to spiritual wisdom. Good marriages are predicated on Truth, but Truth is more than mere facts.

The cornerstone of all truth is the gospel itself and Christ himself is the Truth. This is why in Ephesians 5 Paul links marriage first and all human relationships to the gospel of Christ in his submission to meeting our need for salvation by his submission to death. The unity of the trinity is the submission of each person of the trinity to each other in such perfect unity as to demonstrate their absolute union: He is indeed one God and this is the love of God. Our created purpose is to demonstrate this love in communion with him as well as with our temporal relationships with each other.

This is my spiritual wisdom with regard to my wife, that I see her as God sees her. Christ gave himself for her while she was yet a sinner and the Holy Spirit now lives in her sanctifying her daily. It is therefore my purpose to cooperate with God with regard to the sanctification of my wife, building her up as a child of God and not tearing her down. Whether she returns the favor or not has no bearing on my submission to her spiritual needs, except that learning to similarly submit to my needs is a part of her sanctification, not that she should find frustration and discontentment in submitting to my needs, but that she should find fulfillment and satisfaction in it. This is spiritual wisdom.

Looking back, therefore, I could never have married a perfect woman. It's not that there really are such people who are perfect, but rather that too many people either unrepentantly believe that they need no forgiveness for anything or that they are caught up in the trappings of always appearing to be perfect. For perfection is to be complete, needing nothing. If I find fulfillment and satisfaction in meeting my wife's spiritual needs, then what use would a perfect woman have with me and how could a perfect woman give me any fulfillment? Likewise, my submission to my wife's needs also entails being able to be transparent with my own needs to her and vice versa.

Are you married? Do you consider yourself integral to your spouse's sanctification?

Are you single? Don't presume that you will find fulfillment in a perfect spouse, for we don't gain perfection aside from the cross of Christ.

Rare Tips to a Godly Marriage

My wife and I are in our 14th year since walking the aisle. I have some experience in the work and life required to make a healthy marriage. Everyone who talks about godly Christian marriages talks about communication, housework and the difference in needs between the sexes regarding...well...sex. Some aspects of the common advice you hear will be discernible in the advice I give here. However, from my experience to date, I have learned some things that you may not hear very often.

Part of this discourse comes from the frustration I see in the portrayal of marital relationships in the popular media and the odd way I see much of that spill over into many Christian marriages. Well, you certainly hear much bad advice coming from non-Christians and I'll address a couple of these items of bad advice here.

This is not an exhaustive or cleanly analytical list. There is some overlap and there are some gaps. Marriages are made up of unique individuals and no single formula aside from Paul's admonition to the Ephesians to submit to one another covers every aspect of marital life.

Expect Change

When you look at your young love through the eyes of hormonal bliss and see a thing of physical beauty looking back at you with eyes glazed over with the same hormonal bliss, it's wonderful. Expect it to change.

The hormones of a new relationship last perhaps two years. Childbearing years are often filled with new medical problems, stretch marks, short tempers, dirty diapers, no time alone, and many and sundry other things. You will see something different than starry hormones in each other's eyes. You will see bags, waning trust, discouragement and a sense of helplessness. You may even see plenty of anger depending on your spouse. Most people don't expect these things really. They had some idea that they married better than that and that "love is all we need", but when the rubber meets the road, the reality of sin in you and your partner's life comes to bear.

In the middle age years, expect those eyes to wander. Hey, we're supposed to be faithful, but we do a lot of things we're not supposed to do. If we see infidelity in some marriages, there's even more occasions where people think about it. Are you prepared to love a partner who thinks about cheating on you whether he or she actually does it? Are you prepared to do what you need to do to be faithful when the temptation arises in your own heart?

In old age, after a couple dozen different hair styles, diets and medical procedures, the hair will turn grey or white to the point where it's useless to color it anymore. No cream will be able to touch those wrinkles. Incontinence keeps visitors away and may threaten to keep each other away. I haven't gotten to that point so I'm guessing here. Viagra is poison. You'd have a heart attack if you got aroused. There's no going back when one of you physically can't have sex anymore. The kids and grandkids come to visit not as often as you would like. People treat you like a three-year-old although you were once a great leader of something. Well, you do act like a three-year-old anymore. That may be why. You look across the nursing home activity room and wonder that the person over there is really the same person you exchanged vows with; that you had the gumption to raise children together; that you... Wait - you finally remember that you divorced 20 years ago and that's not your spouse.

Things can change quickly. Have you considered what would happen if one of you were severely injured and the other had to spend the rest of their life doing little more than caring for the other without any hope of experiencing marital bliss ever again? It happens.

Things change - dramatically. Expect it.

Parents and Extended Family

You have the most wonderful parents in the world. Beware that they may let you know how wonderful they are as they point out what they perceive are your housekeeping, parenting and marital errors. You love them and even expect that when they are older you will have much to do to care for them. But right now, you just want to move to a different town. And if you are in a different town, you have to plan many trips to visit them so they can see their grandkids. You can't win for losing.

Expect a life of catering to your parents' wishes. You only thought you left home.


Between expecting changes and putting up with extended families, you might sober up enough to have some misgivings. That's a good thing. Not enough people go into marriage anymore with their eyes open. If you expect these things and are willing to take on the responsibility of being a lifelong mate for a fellow sinner as well as adopting his or her family and being insane enough to make more family that you are personally responsible for, then you may make a good go at it. Knowing that it's going to happen is half the battle.

Did I say "battle"?

Test Driving?

One piece of bad advice from the pop culture is really merely a justification for having sex without being married. It's the concept of "test-driving" a potential spouse. There are several problems with this, but if you think that people are meant to be tried out as though you were buying them, you have a serious issue with valuing other people. More on that in a moment.

Let's test-drive the metaphor and see if it flies. If you've ever had a car, you know that test-driving it is a bit superfluous. Most cars are similar enough that it really doesn't matter. Who do you think you are, a NASCAR driver? "She's a little loose; need to tighten her up a bit; she's sliding all over the track in the corners." Baloney. What have you been doing, borrowing other people's cars to practice on? If you are comparing buying an automobile to getting married, then you must know that the important information is in the maintenance, not the driving. As you maintain the vehicle, you can adapt it to your driving style. Today, cars are computer controlled and many are programmed to adapt themselves to your driving style. If the car is driven by many different drivers, it has trouble adapting and the car ends up driving you. Read between the lines.

If you only ever drive one car and that car has only been driven by you, then you will become he best driver of that car and the car will become the best car for you. I know whereof I speak. There is a psychological principle called imprinting. It happens in humans and many animals alike. It happens when a baby sees her parents. It also happens to lovers when they look at each other. It happens in a warped way when people view pornography. If you try out different "cars" before you finally "buy", then you defeat your imprinting. When you look at your spouse, do you see the valuable person that you share flesh with or just another person in a parade of lovers?

As a note, keep in mind that when you are married you are the only oasis for your spouse's libido. In most marriages, one or the other will desire sex more than the other. If you are the one who can go for months without even holding hands, you have to actually work at this and ask yourself where your spouse is finding relief for their libido if you are denying him or her. Do you want them to be tempted or do you want them to be tortured? Do you love your spouse enough to give them what they need to keep them rooted at home? This is more important to most couple's relationships than most will say, and possibly worth thinking about even before a couple marries. Regarding our "test-driving" metaphor, it's part of the maintenance. A car needs to be driven on a regular basis or bad things will happen under the hood.

To be sure, have you seen the owner of an antique automobile that he has had since he was young or that he has taken and restored. He cares for it day and night and it shines. He covers it to protect it and takes care of the smallest details to make sure everything is perfect. He spends time and money on the car. He looks far and wide to find special parts to meet the car's needs. He drives it and shows it off, but he doesn't like others to drive it. He's proud of it. He's known for it. He enters contests and expects to win awards for how good the car is.

Do you value your spouse like this man values his car? Do you care for him or her in every way. Where other spouses are broken and beaten do you protect your spouse? Indeed, if taking care of an antique car can increase its value, do you do what you need to do value your spouse more and more every day?

I have a self-imposed rule. I NEVER speak unkindly about my wife in public to ANYONE. I might make friendly light of some aspects of our marriage, but I never talk her down to other people. I strive always to bless her in public. I go out of my way to say good things about her to other people. I don't tolerate anyone saying unkind things about her. I can't say it particularly happens. I would get very put out if someone said something unkind about my wife.

However, I sometimes hear other people speak unkindly about their spouses and it saddens me. Do they not value the one person they have decided to invest their life in? If you aren't married, look at a potential mate and ask yourself if you could follow this rule when they rub you the wrong way or fail to meet your expectations. If you are married and have a difficult spouse, can you follow this rule?

I've gone almost 14 years with this rule intact and speaking blessings over my wife in public has become a source of self-fulfilling prophecies. I delight in the way she has grown as a person and a Christian. Her value increases with me all the time and I have heard from others how they envy our relationship.

Sanctification

And we are to grow as Christians. Understand this. As Christians we are being sanctified. As a married couple sharing one flesh you will be inextricably tied in to each other's sanctification. Have you ever been through God's discipline where he purified you with some fire? Sanctification is often not fun, but we also know the blessing of it.

Expect to go through difficult times with your spouse. You are not perfect. Your spouse is not perfect. Expect your spouse to be part of your sanctification. Expect to be part of your spouse's sanctification. I can't stress this enough. IT WON'T BE EASY! But learn to see the blessing in it as you are purified together as a couple.

In this light, don't think of yourself too highly. I've seen men try to dominate their wives. I've seen women try to manipulate their husbands. This is wrong. Has Christ dominated the Church by force? No. But he's perfect and gave his life for the Church. Has the Church tried to manipulate Christ? Yes. We're not perfect. But Christ will not be manipulated. He lovingly disciplines us. Likewise, a husband should not be harsh with his wife, but lead her kindly in all wisdom and understanding. The wife also must not cow her husband into sacrificial submission but win him with moral force.

I'm getting all this from Ephesians 5. A man is to submit himself sacrificially for the purity of his wife and meet her needs. A wife must submit to her husband as the Church is to submit to Christ. If a husband sins, the wife is not to submit to the sin, but to honor her husband in the Lord for the sin is not her husband if he is a Christian. I explained this to my kids the other night when they asked me what would happen if we were to ask them to sin, would they follow the command to honor us or the command not to sin. I explained that there is no honor outside of Christ. I can't imagine us asking them to sin, but if we did they should disobey us and obey God instead. While it would appear to be disobedient to us, obedience to God would actually honor us whether we recognized it or not. If they obeyed us into sin, they would dishonor themselves and we would dishonor them and us. Likewise, wives, submission to your husband never means to be disobedient to God.

Rather, when your spouse sins (and your spouse will sin, sometimes most grievously) pray for them and work with them respectfully to overcome the sin. Do not assume the worst and offer blessings when they do well. By this they will grow in Christ in all humility and love.

Finances and God's Provision

Many counselors talk about finances so I won't spend much time on them. We talked about finances in pre-marital counseling. It's an issue that drives a wedge between spouses as much or more than infidelity. I'll cut to the chase. If you are a Christian, what is your hope in? Who is your provider? Are you the provider? Do you trust in your finances? God who knows all things supplies your need. I have seen a Christian family become homeless. God still supplied their need.

I know a young lady who is engaged to be married. She was raised with her needs well provided for. Her husband to be will be going to seminary. He made out a budget for them based on their expected income and it was tight. She is panicking because she has never had to do without. Fear not when you lose possessions or even your house for any financial or natural calamity. More importantly, don't play the blame game with your spouse. If you have lost money because you have sinned, then work through it. However, trust God to provide your need. Who do you trust?

Ministerial Compatibility

You might have all the rest in the bag. You might be a high-end Christian who is on track and always contributes your time, gifts and monies in every way possible to the glory of God and his kingdom. If so, you are feeling called to do something with all this kingdom energy. You are feeling called to ministry.

What do you do if you are called to be a missionary to Africa and your spouse-to-be is called to be a professional Christian musician traveling in the US? There are two options. Either one or both of you must give up your calling or you must reconsider getting married. If you are already married, then you only have one option. You must do things where you can minister together or minister in different ways in the same place. Your calling must be tempered in this light. Not every Christian woman has the strength to be a pastor's wife. Not every Christian man will follow his wife to Africa where she is called to run an orphanage.


...and they all lived happily ever after.

Whatever Happened to Courting?

Apparently, "hooking up" is the new norm. Where once teens dated a few times and if things worked out they might have sex, now it seems that they have a sex a few times and if things work out they might go on a date.

When I was in high school, you "went with" someone until your parents let you go on a date. That was the 80's. You got to see your girlfriend or boyfriend at school, the mall or a party with a bunch of other people around. That was the 80s.

What's the purpose of "dating" or "hooking up"? At that age, kids aren't likely to marry their high school sweethearts. Hormones are in full swing, but making commitments and keeping covenants aren't taught sociologically. With a divorce rate over 50% there's little concept of purpose in relationship. Boys enjoy sex without commitment and girls hope that having sex will eventually lead to commitment, but the boundaries of respect and honor have been all but erased.

If there is no established goal of monogamous marriage, there is no purpose beyond mere narcissistic self-fulfillment. Even the desire for commitment as a reason for sexual submission is self-depreciation for the sake of self-fulfillment. That's just plain irrational.

My wife and I dated. We were adults and dating was normal. We actually started spending time as friends. We enjoyed hiking and watching movies together. Once we realized that there was something more developing, we called our getting together "dating". When I went away to school, I fought tooth and nail to see her nearly every weekend. One weekend my car broke down and she drove the two and a half hours to my school to come get me so we could be together. We were ready to commit and I did what few do anymore: I spoke to her dad.

Before the phenomenon of dating there was courting. Even as young adults the suitor would call on a woman in her home where others were present. They would sit together and develop a relationship with the intent of eventual marriage. If the two were idologically or developmentally incompatible, this would soon be discovered and marriage would be averted. If the two were in agreement, then the suitor would appeal to the woman's father or other familial advocate or defender for her hand in marriage. The point is that the relationship was predicated on mutual honor, respect, and devoted commitment without which a marital covenant will run afoul.

Whatever happened to courtship? I suppose I could guess at the degradation of western culture. Aren't we supposed to all be responsible and free to do whatever we want to do as long we don't hurt someone else? Aside from the fact that this fails to presuppose the fallen nature of mankind, a failure to honor others is harmful to the defense of their boundaries. Inasmuch as others are complicit in the degradation of those boundaries, they likewise inflict harm by not holding the other accountable.

Finally, children are harmed by the lack of self-respect their parents unwittingly place on them by allowing the degradation of the culture to inform their lack of values. Why else are such as teen suicide, cutting and murder on the increase?

Wisdom has been replaced with such as street cred and ill-placed liberties. May we come to our collective senses sooner rather than later.

Thirteen Years of Secure Borders and a Happy Nest

Men and women are different. It's just an observation I have. I'm going to make another observation and anyone with any considerable education or experience with family counseling or psychotherapy may be able to refine or refute this untrained observation. Also, this observation isn't absolute. it's the sort of observation that is the recognition of a tendency and is not necessarily true in every case.

Men tend to be focused outward. They like to go out, explore, establish borders and assume responsibility for all under their care. Men gain self-respect this way and they expect others to respect their authority. Men are created this way.

Women, especially after they are married, tend to be nesters. Rather than securing borders, they draw in to a single location. They need to protect the nest. Before marriage, they may show interest in the man and follow him out to patrol his borders. After marriage, this changes somewhat to the chagrin of the man.

These patterns can manifest themselves in different ways and to various degrees. A man may find his borders in his occupation, posessions and sporting preferences. A woman may find her nest in her children, her career or her crafts.

Men argue over the location of borders. Women argue over the upkeep of the nest.

Men need to be respected for their borders. Women need to be loved for their nests.

If women change their mode after marrying, men are often perplexed by the change. What happened to the woman who used to follow him out to the borders? He often mistakenly misinterprets this as a waning of respect for his borders. He feels no longer respected. Sometimes the woman actually loses respect for the man and the perception is not a misinterpretation at all. Many men respond by enforcing borders in the nest. Women often misperceive this as a loss of love because their nest is being violated. They respond by marginalizing the man in the nest. She may allow him a small out-of-the way spot for his border to be, but he better leave the rest of the nest alone. She may even feel that the man is supposed to have a particular role in the nest and better leave his borders to take his place in her nest.

Because the nest is within the borders, but the borders are ultimately outside the nest, the conflict is centered in the nest - the realm of the woman. Any disagreement that ensues is debated in terms of the nest, not the borders. This is why the woman often seems to win all the arguments.

I got into a discussion with a few men (godly men) the other night where they made light of the fact that their wives typically win all the arguments. One man is a Christian counsellor, another is a physician, and another is a young fellow who is yet unmarried. The physician joked that the counsellor might actually win arguments with his wife. The young man noted with disdain that this was what he had to look forward to.

I had to speak up at this point. I begged to brag on my wife. I joked that she lets me win some arguments. Then with all seriousness I added that we don't argue. (In fact, we have only raised our voices at each other in anger for about ten seconds in the past thirteen years.) If we disagree on anything we seek God's will for us with all fear and trembling with the gift of our marriage to each other. Being involved in missions and ministry, we recognize that our enemy doesn't like who we are, Who we belong to, and what we are doing and will try to thwart any success we have in the name of our Lord. This is true for our marriage as well. If any couple claims to not have any difficulties with their marriage, they are either not in God's will or are lying.

I thank God for my wife daily. She respects my borders and I love her nest. My borders aren't perfect and her nest isn't perfect, but we are made perfect in grace through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Today, we turn thirteen years old. Happy Anniversary, Honey! I look forward to many more years with you in the service of our Lord.

Old Photos - When Mom met Dad: 1961-1965

You may notice that most of the photos lately feature my mom. That's because she enjoyed photography throughout her early adulthood. She was an artist of both sight and sound with photography and painting as well as music. She was also adept at all the crafts associated with growing up on a small Midwestern farm such as growing vegetables and other plants, canning and the culinary arts as well as sewing and quilting.

One story of my mom was that the dress she wore to her senior prom in high school was made by she and her mom. They did such a great job that the more well-to-do girls marveled at her and wondered where she acquired such a fine dress. While Mom was a farm girl and no stranger to soil and hard work, she was also elegant and very intelligent.

Born Ruth Arlene Reeder, this was my mom in college:


She majored in Music Education and English:


She went to college at Cumberland College in my dad's hometown of Williamsburg, KY. My dad also majored in Music Education. Mom is the flautist and Dad is the bassoonist. Those white socks are classic.


I most remember Mom playing the piano and singing. She even directed the choir at our church in Ohio for a time. Dad has played the guitar and sang primarily although I've known him to play the piano for his own enjoyment. Here he is on my grandparent's porch when he and my mom were courting. I have no idea who the girl behind him is. She's either a cousin or a fellow student.


Of course they spent a lot of time together:


They also enjoyed the outdoors:


They both graduated. Dad taught as a high school band director for a time and mom became an English teacher. Dad later went back to school to earn his degree in a brand new medical field: that of the Physician's Assistant.


I've seen the graduation photo above countless times and have only just noticed the engagement ring. Of course they were married soon after graduation. I have all kinds of the classic wedding photos of them at the church, but this isn't one you see very often:


A happy ending, perhaps, but happy endings are the beginnings of new stages in life.

The Incarnation of Christ - Thinking Too Highly of Ourselves

One factor that applies to any consideration of living out the incarnation of Christ and making it real is Paul's admonition that we not think too highly of ourselves. This applies both to marriage:

...as well as dealing with our brothers and sisters in Christ:

Next we'll see how this applies to the metaphor of the Church as the Body of Christ.

The Incarnation of Christ in our Marriages and Families

I had Ephesians 5:22-33 read at my wedding. Verse 25 is my husband verse. In this next part of the lesson, David talks about the incarnation of Christ in our marriages. I've included the scripture for your benefit:

22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30 because we are members of His body.
31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

The passage doesn't end with marriage, but continues as the incarnation of Christ in our lives expands to our families in Chapter 6:

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3 so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

As a hint of things to come, David mentions the thought in the back of every parents mind that considers our own inadequacies at being responsible for the lives that have been entrusted to us.

Spiritual Discernment in Marriage

Speaking as someone who is in a successful marriage I can tell you that the ride gets bumpy. Emotions change. Bodies change. We go through spiritually dark times in our lives. We go through dire physical ailments. How many successfully married people are interested in letting others really know what criteria they use to make it work? Here is my list:


Make sure you have someone...

1. ...you can forgive when (s)he confesses to you of serious sins against you and repents. (...and who will repent when (s)he sins!)
2. ...to whom you can confess having sinned against, who will forgive you as you repent. (...and you must repent when you sin!).
3. ...for whom you can set your pride aside to serve sacrificially.
4. ...who will set aside his/her pride and serve you sacrificially.
5. ...who will not manipulate you emotionally.
6. ...who you will not manipulate emotionally.
7. ...who you can love when his/her health makes it impossible to return your love.
8. ...who will love you when your health makes it impossible to return his/her love.
9. ...who will not speak unkindly of you to others.
10. ...who you will not speak unkindly of to others.
11. ...who you will love when you do not find him/her very lovable.
12. ...who will love you when (s)he does not find you very lovable.
13. ...with whom you share a ministerial vision.
14. ...with whom you can pray and study the Bible.

Men Have Boxes, Women Have Wires?

This is comedian Mark Gungor at a Marriage Resource Seminar:



You can access a slightly longer version of it here.

Essentially he says that cognitively men compartmentalize and women integrate. I have a question to any men who watch this video. Is this true? I understand that this may be a simplistic generalization, but if true, this would explain much: I identify with his description of the female brain. I hear men talk about how they don't understand their wives. I think I understand my wife pretty well, but I'm sure I don't understand other men very well.

Infidelity and Divorce Among the Faithful

Emotional attraction is a mysterious thing to me. It seems that there are so many factors in the attraction equation. In all cases, the question of attraction can be boiled down to one observation, and that is this: that one is attracted to something or someone because there is a need that one perceives, often not consciously or deliberately, that the object of the attraction can meet. We tend to be attracted to people for friendship because the personality of certain others is such that we wish to identify with them. They may resonate with us in some way or exhibit characteristics that we don’t have, but wish we did.

I’m attracted to unique individuals because I am a unique individual and most everyone else has a level of predictability that fails to stimulate me interpersonally. We may choose a certain automobile because we think that others will see us favorably, or at least more accurately, behind the wheel. I know people who drive vans and call them SUVs. Why? Because they perceive a certain sociological stigma with driving a van and they fear being identified as one who is in such mean estate as to warrant driving a van.

One thing my wife and I learned in premarital counseling is that it is unreasonable to expect one’s spouse to meet all of one’s emotional needs. We are to be identified with one another explicitly, exclusively, mutually and mortally with regard to our marital covenant. However, while we are principally and in principle to meet one another’s needs, realistically we will each have needs that may preclude our capacity to fulfill our purpose from time to time. God is certainly aware of this.

No married couple is an island. We have the sociological context of family, church and community, all of which may overlap. We must develop good relationships with those outside the marriage who likewise support our marriage. When the struggles of daily life present the temptation to play the Adam, Eve and serpent blame game, we need the ear of someone who won’t be put off by the disclosure of our distress and who is trustworthy to provide the proper perspective on the sacrificial service we are called to bear for our spouse.

The divorce rate is alarmingly high. The divorce rate among Christian churchgoers is no different than that outside the church. Perhaps it is because mature Christians don’t cohabitate sans marriage like many non-Christians. If you throw the breakups of cohabitating couples into the statistical mix, then a striking difference may be noted. Nevertheless, Christians should not be divorcing each other.

What has changed to cause the divorce rate has escalated? Perhaps it is that sociological expectations have changed. Commitment to a marriage was once expected of spouses by those who knew them and had some influence in their lives. But the influence of others has changed. Wher we were once influenced locally by others who knew us, we have been increasingly influenced by the opinions of celebrities in the media who decidedly don't know us.

Who gives others influence over our lives? We do. However, it is a sign of weakness to allow others to have influence over us. We know this because we allow those who espouse such a view to have influence over us. We see the view espoused in movies. We see popular people and strong leaders who have other bend their will to theirs by for no other reason than they have a charisma that draws other people to them - not because they are particularly wise.

The people who should have influence over us are those who who would improve our marriage. First, our spouse, inasmuch as he or she is obedient to Christ. Secondly, our freinds and family inasmuch as they are obedient to Christ. Thirdly, our church family and ministers inasmuch as they are obedient to Christ. Christ established the pattern for a marriage in the willingness to sacrifice all for your spouse.

The same sociological degredation that is destroying our marriages also causes distrust in the community at large. We suspect, often correctly so, that when others ask how we are doing today they don't really want to know the truth. We are often more concerned with whether we are being awkward than with building true friendships. We don't engage others on a level where they are in a position to influence us positively because we don't trust that they will actually want to help us. Furthermore, and not so tangentially, the homosexual agenda has caused otherwise straight people to fear this sociological intimacy that is necessary for personal influential accountability.

When we don't recieve the emotional intimacy we need through appropriate means, we are prone to percieve that the need can be met in otherwise inappropriate ways. A husband who finds himself attracted to a woman who is not his wife percieves that she will meet the needs that are not being met otherwise. For a church to handle an adulterous husband with proper church discipline is good. However, when the church fails to encourage the appropriate relationships that would have prevented the adultery in the first place, then the church as a body needs to repent for they have not ministered to the sinful man and encouraged righteousness. Indeed, the ills of fallen society have permeated our Christian fellowship.

I've become increasingly convicted of this and have sought to find a means to encourage the growth of a men's ministry in my church which has a corporate foundation, but draws on the strength of the personal invesment of individuals in the ministry. A program will fail, but changing sociological expectations is the only way to succeed in changing the viability of marriages in the church. If you are a Christian man, I encourage you to take steps in your own church to these ends for it is only on a local level through the actions of individuals that this trend will change and we will become truly faithful to Christ in our marriages.

I like my coffee like I like my women: [fill in the blank]. The very statement is suggestive without the punch line. Some answers I’ve heard are cute – others pretentious or suggestive. All in all, I like coffee enough that I keep a cup with some to sip on it throughout much of the day. Generally, I’ll take it any way I can get it, but I prefer it sweet with cream and any of a variety of flavors. I can say that I like my coffee like I like my women. Since I’m married, I should qualify this: I like my coffee like I like my wife:

Strong

Over the years I have come to appreciate strong coffee. You may think of strong coffee as being highly caffienated. Granted, caffeine has its benefits as well as its drawbacks. But The strength I like has more to do with taste. I don’t like watery coffee. It’s bland. I like espressos and dark roasts for the fullness of strength in aroma and taste.

The strength I refer to is not the mere strength of body or intellect, although I can appreciate both. It is the strength of character. We like to see strong people in positions of leadership. However, we often confuse confidence and bullheaded opinion for strength of character. Confidence is a dubious word anyway. The word “confidence” literally means, “with faith”. Too often, however, the faith of someone who has confidence is in themselves. A godly leader, by contrast, realizes his flaws and does not have faith in his self. A godly leader has faith in God. We do a great disservice to our fellowship by following leaders who have confidence primarily in themselves and failing to follow people who have placed all their confidence in God. I desire my wife to have that confidence in God, recognizing her own flaws in humility and seeking to grow according to our Lord and His commandments. That’s what it means to be “with faith”: confident; strong in the Lord.

Fresh

I like fresh beans, freshly roasted, freshly ground, freshly brewed. Only then can you get a good sense of the intention behind the blend of beans.

People are best when fresh. When we get caught up in the status quo, we tend to stagnate. Christians will become less effective as ministers. The truth must remain fixed, but the truth remains fresh despite its steadfastness. We may claim to be steadfast while dying the death of irrelevance. The weightlifter once arriving at his desired strength or form doesn’t proclaim that he has arrived and promptly stop working out. He will become flabby. He must continue to lift weights afresh each day to remain strong. A good woman likewise recognizes that she must continue her life each day in prayer and praise to our Lord, ministering according to the needs of those to whom she is called. Otherwise, she will become bitter…

Not bitter

A poor blend of beans, beans that have not been grown properly or coffee that is old will grow bitter.

As people age, their hearts may also become old. I know it’s anachronistically cliché, but there’s something to the “Young At Heart” at many churches. But one doesn’t have to have many years to have a heart that is old and bitter. It is not simply an attitude of being young, but of being able to adapt to the changes that God has for us to undergo, for these changes are here to improve us like aging a wine rather than by placing new wine in old wineskins. I like a woman who heart has remained steadfast in the Lord, but pliable enough to be used as an instrument to guide younger people without spoiling or souring them with bitterness.

Sweet

I’ve been using artificial sweeteners long enough to prefer them to sugar. Either way, I like my coffee like southerners like their tea – thick enough with sweet stuff to stand a spoon in.

Doug Savage of Savage Chickens recently drew a panel where a chicken was walking through “happy land” and everything was sickeningly sweet. This sort of sweet is sickening because the sweetness is disingenuous. I’ve known church members like this. Fortunately, none of the people I know in my church right now are like this to any discernable degree of sickening-ness. There is a sweetness to a heart that is genuinely concerned and compassionate for the needs of others. There is no degree of sweetness in this regard that is sickening. I like a woman who has this genuine sweetness that is so thick, honorable men are happily emboldened to arise and stand in her presence and her children learn the courage to stand on their own.

Warm

Coffee is best made when it’s hot. However, I hate having my tongue burnt – you can’t taste the coffee very well with a burnt tongue. You have to wait until it is warm and cozy. I like the mug to be inviting for me to wrap my hands around when it is cold.

When the world is lonely and cold, it is good to have a wife who will give a warm hug and a kiss and invite her husband to a comfortable place in his home where the chill of the world is dispelled.

Smooth and Creamy

I'm a vocalist. Drinking coffee with a lot of cream coats my throat and gets into my vocal chords. It's not good to sing with all that cream all over my throat. Nevertheless, I love good cream in my coffee. It really takes the bite off the coffee.

I can appreciate the fact that people who are raising their kids alone have a difficult task. Even just being single without kids can be difficult without a partner of some sort. When you have a partner, the idea is that the work is split up between the two of you. You can even get used to not having to do a lot of things. A good wife makes it possible for all things to be covered so that life goes smoothly.

Firmly grounded

Good coffee has been ground to perfection for the method of brewing. It takes more than the cheap little coffee grinder I have. It does well enough, but a good grind will make the perfect cup.

A good woman as far as I'm concerned is firmly grounded in the Christian faith. Learning and applying the truth of the gospel of Christ revealed in the Bible is the key method by which the Holy Spirit perfects us.

Spicy

I like coffee with a lot of flavor in and of itself. However, I also like flavor added. There are many that I have enjoyed. Vanilla and hazelnut are common favorites. I like raspberry and white chocolate, ginger or nutmeg, cinnamon or chai spice. There are many others. Spice is the little creative something that keeps things interesting.

Not only can a person stagnate, but a relationship can stagnate. When you get used to a routine, the fun you had learning and establishing a routine goes away. Spice is when you get creative and break out of your routine. It keeps the relationship interesting. A date night can do this as long as your date nights are not always to the same places doing the same things. I like it when my wife and I do something a little different. In Venezuela one evening, my wife had worked out that we would go to a fancy restaurant across town - alone. This was a bit of a surprise to me. Some of the church members helped out as far as breaking us away from the team, transporting us to the restaurant and helping us order some of the fancy foods they had there. The interesting thing was that the restaurant was completely devoid of patrons save for us. We had the entire wait staff to ourselves. We ditched the kids for our anniversary. I got a room with a jacuzzi here in town and spent the afternoon decorating the room with flowers, petals and night time refreshments. These are the things that make life spicy.

The kind you can wake up to… …and the kind that can keep you going all day long…

Yes, caffeine can enhance your energy usage. If I drink coffee after supper, it's decaffeinated. I have trouble enough sleeping without adding to it. However, I'm not much of a morning person and my mind is rather muddled until I get a good dose of oxygen flowing through it. Caffeine helps kick the body into breathing deeper by requiring more oxygen.

This is where the similarity ends. Coffee keeps you up because it's a drug you use. But my comment here refers to a woman who knows how to commit and to whom I am willing to commit. I am comforted because my wife has demonstrated an unwavering commitment to me and our marriage. I have made a similar commitment to her and have striven to demonstrate it. In the morning when I wake up with my bride asleep next to me, I know that I can go to work and she will be with me. For I do not belong to myself. I belong to my Lord and He has given me to my wife for as long we both live.

I thought this video was neat. Coffee as an art form. That's a little more cream than I would use, though.

Real Men Know How to Commit

The LA Times ran an article on October 19th that discussed the recent divorce of French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Their argument is that it is strange that this is news because a little French 15-minute divorce has no bearing on the capacity of President Sarkozy to lead France. (The fact that they reported on it indicates that they indeed think it’s newsworthy, but that’s beside the point.) This is the old Bill Clinton argument – “what he does in private doesn’t affect how he leads the country.” Al Mohler offered a thoughtful view on this and ended with this:

“If a candidate cannot keep and honor marital vows, why should voters believe that he or she would show greater fealty to an oath of office?”

It’s not that marital fidelity itself has any bearing on the activities that enable a president to run the affairs of the nation, but that infidelity is indicative of a deeper problem that does have significant bearing on the capacity to govern publicly. What many reasonable people see when they see a president who can’t keep his personal commitments is a man who may not be faithfully keeping his public commitments.

Up for debate right now is what the Bible says about divorce and remarriage. David Instone-Brewer wrote an article in Christianity Today arguing for greater latitude in what should be allowed for in terms of divorce and remarriage. John Piper responded on his blog with a strong view against remarriage after divorce. Now, Andreas Köstenberger has added a third, more temperate view.

Now, I’m surrounded by all kinds of people who have divorced and remarried while their earlier spouse(s) are still alive. Many of these are Christian. Some of them are now rather godly people. Here’s the trick: I can’t allow this to affect my judgment as I analyze scripture. So far, I’m leaning toward Piper’s reading. I won’t go into the particulars, but I’ll sum up that I think Jesus and Paul both teach that divorce is not ideal. Despite the allowances made in the Law of Moses, God’s plan is that we not divorce. I believe that there are practical circumstances which may necessitate separation (abuse, abandonment, infidelity), but that there can be no remarriage when God does not regard legal divorce as spiritually legitimate.

Now that may not seem fair, but look at our sin. We have not learned or taught what we should look for in a mate. More importantly, we have not learned or taught what it means to keep commitments. Willow Creek Church led by Bill Hybels recently confessed an repented that they have sunk millions of dollars into programs that have failed to disciple their membership. When it is easy to get by without spiritual growth, few will grow. When it is easy to divorce, few will be fully committed. When divorce is sociologically difficult, people will invest more in learning how to discern the best spouse and how to care for their spouse.

I’m a man and I’ll direct this to men. This was said by my pastor recently: “Men think about two things all the time: food and sex. …all men struggle with their sex lives.” The context of his comment was loosely with regard to marital fidelity. Real men know or will learn how to focus this struggle toward keeping their marital commitment to their wives.

For me, my wife and I decided before we were married that the D – word was out. Since that time twelve years ago we have spent all of five seconds with our voices raised at each other. I’m not joking. She thinks that if we express a difference of opinion at all, we’re having an argument. Most of the time we “argue” about who’s going to make a decision:

“Honey, what do you want me to fix for supper? Spaghetti or meatloaf”
“They both sound good to me. You’re pickier than I am. What are you in the mood for?”
“I’ll eat either one. You decide.”
At this point, I go for a coin and she gives me a funny look.

That’s a typical “argument” at my house. Men, how you can make your home like this:

1. Be willing to sacrifice your wants and desires for your wife. Offer to help your wife often in doing whatever she’s into and be willing to do whatever she says. Your kids will see this and respond positively. The best gift you can give your kids is a healthy marriage with your wife.
2. Be willing to sacrifice you want and desires for your children. Play with them and show them careful attention. Your wife will see this and respond positively. Third, look for ways to positively influence your wife without making her feel belittled by it.
3. Consider whether she has a delicate ego and will not take criticism very well. Don’t preach, guide gently. Turn the word “husband” into a verb and husband your wife. If you’ve ever surfed, it’s like balancing delicately on a board and having the ride of your life. If you’ve ever quarterbacked, it’s like a perfect pass into the end zone. You just can’t toss the ball any old way – you have to pay attention and aim carefully. If you’re off by just a little or hesitate either you are or the receiver could get creamed. Complete the pass and you’ve scored big.
4. If you expect her to change for you, you must be willing to change for her. Allow her sensibilities to inform your relationship.
5. Take the initiative and treat your wife to her favorite whatever without expecting anything in return.
6. If she yells at you, recognize that there is a deeper problem. Do not return her ire, but be attentive to what she says so you can treat the immediate issue. However, understand that she is responding to a rift between you. Find out what the rift is and do whatever it takes to repair it in all kindness. She will recognize your earnest desire for her and respond.
7. Grow together spiritually. Go to church together, study the Bible together, pray together, train up your children together, minister together. I realize that there may be people who read this who have no faith. If so, you have no hope of accomplishing this. That’s the bottom line.

This list is not comprehensive, I’m sure. I just typed it off the top of my head. It’s what I do every day in my marriage. I sacrifice for my wife. I consider that when we married, I no longer had any right to “Jim” because I was now inextricably part of “Jim and Lois” and am committed to do everything in my power to make the best “Jim and Lois” possible.

There are certainly practical situations I have not addressed here. This will be material for some future post, I’m sure. Nevertheless, the principles I have offered here should help most difficulties you encounter. Whether you are President of a nation or the shoveller of manure, I encourage you to keep your marital commitment.

Random Thoughts on Kinism

I’m a mutt of mostly European descent. I am part Cherokee and have some strong physical characteristics that have not been fully explained by genealogical research. With olive skin and wavy/curly black hair that come from a mysterious lineage, I probably have some Mediterranean roots of some sort. Back up to my European roots. I know I have forefathers that are English, German, Dutch and Irish. These groups include at least four ethnicities: Anglo, Saxon, Celtic and Norman. If I were a kinist, who should I have married? My wife is primarily of German descent on both sides. The Caskaddons, Sigmons and the Sigmans all trace their roots back to Germany. Her Grandmother, however, had some English heritage. Hmmm…

What is a kinist? Loosely, a kinist is someone who believes in ethnic homogeneity. That means that they believe that you should only marry someone of your own race.

Scientifically, what is a “race”? It would seem to be something in the hierarchy of biological taxonomy: Domain, Kingdom, Phylum or Division, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species. Nope, not in there. As far as I can tell, all human beings are the same species. Biologists do recognize varieties within the same species. They call these such as Subspecies, Morphs, Cultivars or Strains. While biology or genetics has not generated interest in “race”, there have been genetic and biological studies of the differences between races that have been initiated from anthropological interest instead.

The Bible certainly recognizes different tribes or ethnicities. It also says that they all come from the same man – Adam, in one case, or Noah in another. The different tribes came about because inbreeding within families brought out certain traits that allowed increased survivability in certain areas of the world. Even the naturalists look for the source group of homo sapiens and believe that all ethnicities today derived from the same group of people and migrated from that location. They do tests on mitochondrial DNA to trace similarities in the apparent mutations.

Of course, many naturalists have the view that speciation creates new genetic material that lends itself to evolution. Speciation is the breeding of significantly different traits within a genetic family. For example, a horse is one species and a donkey is another. They are in the same family and can interbreed. However they have become different enough that their offspring are typically sterile. Such naturalists may come to the conclusion that different ethnical groups of people are evolving differently and should not intermarry. This has been in the news recently. Leading geneticist James D. Watson has said as much.

This view of speciation is erroneous, however, and the genetic testing of different species bears this out. Speciation occurs as populations of a Family lose genetic material that allows variation that is not useful to the population in a given environment. No material is gained. In fact material is lost. The more material is lost, the weaker a species becomes because the less capable a species is of producing genetic variety and adapting to changing environments. Also, there is a demonstrable genetic degradation that has been occurring. For Families that have a diploid genetic structure, genetic defects in individuals can be compensated for by the other set of genes. When these errors are duplicated in both sets of genes, the defects create problems in the morphogeneses of various structures in embryos. This is why it is no longer wise as some did in ancient times not to marry your sister. In fact, it is illegal in many states to marry your first cousin. (See the map. I thought it was illegal for third cousins to marry anywhere in the US. I guess I was wrong.)

My mother-in-law’s parents had siblings that married (Her dad's brother married her mom's sister). This produced a set of what they call “double first cousins”, which was not uncommon in North Carolina a generation ago. In my estimation, sharing the same four grandparents, double first cousins would be genetically little different than siblings although having different parents. Depending on the size and speciological specialization of the original population, after a certain number of generations, it would seem that all people in an isolated population would be little different than siblings. History shows that there has been enough external genetic material introduced into most human populations by travelers, conquerors and population movements to keep this from happening.

All this to ask this question: How many generations does it take for a population once divided and separated to define two new races? Can one say that Africans are one race and Europeans are another? If so, by what precise standard? At what point in history did they become different races? Were Anglos and Saxons different races before they converged on the British Isle with the Celts? Were Etruscans, Latins and Greeks different races before they became Romans? Can anyone tell me what is the precise line of demarcation?

The arguments for Christian Kinism that I have heard are specious at best. They rely on a rather poor hermeneutic. There is a part of the Law of Moses that forbade the Hebrews to marry non-Hebrews. This was because of the fact that others would bring in their worship of other gods and destroy the unity of the children of Israel in their devotion to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The spirit of the law is what’s important. Otherwise, Rahab and Ruth would not have been held up as women to be lauded for their faith and included in the human lineage of Christ.

The other proof text I’ve hear Christian Kinists use is Paul’s sermon at the Areopagus on Mars Hill recorded by Luke in Acts. This is important because he was actually preaching against the notion that the people of Athens didn’t need the God of Paul because he was from a different place. In other words, people of ALL ethnicities are created to be children of God - including Athenians. Kinists here confuse God’s decretive will with His prescriptive will thinking that when God “determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation” He “determined that they ought to have boundaries in their habitation where they don’t marry people outside their own race”. That’s adding a lot that isn’t there.

Other than this, the Kinist arguments I’ve heard are merely pleas to practicality or some innate sense about how things ought to be. For example, they may say that people of different races ought not marry because they will have a difficult time in society. If that’s a legitimate argument, then people ought not become Christian for the same reason. True Christians are promised by Christ, Paul and Peter to have a difficult time. It’s true that in the United States it has been an issue where couples of differing ethnic origins and their children have suffered discrimination. No more than ethnic minorities have. That's no argument for people not to marry.

I can also hear this argument: “Jim, would you want your daughter to marry a black man?” Well, frankly I don’t care if he’s purple as long as he’s a godly Christian man. If he’s a white atheist, she needs to refrain from allowing him to court her – when she’s old enough. We are exhorted not to be unequally yoked. That’s not ethnic or economic, that’s spiritual. If he’s a mature Christian, then he’s a child of God and a citizen of the Kingdom of Heaven. That’s the correct criteria.

Internet Romance

Tonight I met my aunt and uncle for supper at the Crawdads cafe. Then we went to our seats and watched a good baseball game with my cousins. As we talked I came to confess that I'm having an Internet romance.

That's right. While I've been alone at home this summer I've taken up with a wonderful woman over the Internet. She's 32 and has a web cam just like me.

She likes chocolate and peanut butter. Her favorite color is purple.

She can also write lyrics, but hasn't done so in a while. (I've been looking for a lyricist to partner with. She just may be the one.)

She's also a Christian, which is a good thing, and does various women's and children's ministries.

She loves music and sings soprano in her church choir.

She loves kids and teaches school at Maple Grove Christian Academy. She also likes missions and is on a mission trip with her students.

Did I mention that I'm the headmaster at Maple Grove Christian Academy?

Did I also mention that Maple Grove Christian Academy is a home school?

Oh, and did I mention that my Internet romance happens to be with my wife of nearly 12 years?

I was in a play called "A Significant Life" at church a couple of months ago. I played a TV news reporter. My fellow reporter was Katie Hatchet, the writer and co-director of the play. We were set up on stage left. On stage right was Scott and Debbie Williamson, a married couple who were playing a stereotypical middle class married couple watching us on TV. We were the setting for a series of scenes playing on center stage. The couple would speak with each other and Katie and I would play out a news and commentary program and then a pertinent scene would play.

One scene had Scott and Debbie conversing, then it switched to Katie and I, then Scott and Debbie had a couple of lines before the scene. We were rehearsing this scene one evening as the opening night was nearing. Rodney Harrison, our worship leader, was setting up some mics in front of Scott and Debbie with his daughter sitting in a seat behind him. Scott and Debbie finished their lines and Katie and I started our lines. As we spoke, Debbie got up and sat back down in her husband's lap. They each promptly forgot that they had any more lines in the scene.

When Katie and I finished our section, we waited on Scott and Debbie to start their lines, but all we heard was them quietly muttering sweet nothings to each other. Katie looked over and shouted, "Hey! Start acting like a married couple!"

Without hesitation, Rodney added, "Yeah! I wouldn't want my daughter to see anything she doesn't see at home."

Husbands and wives - this observation from my aunt: if you're married, there's no reason you can't still be boyfriend and girlfriend. Treat each other to the romance of your lives.

Busy Summer - Recent Thoughts

I know I haven't posted much lately. For those of you who don't read my Xanga, I did recently post about my recent camping trip with Mark Sherrill and Adam and Matthew Hatcher. This has been a busy summer, however, on a number of levels. For one, we're in full swing at work. I work in the laboratory furniture industry and this is the time of year when colleges and universities are especially inclined to renovate or build new labs. For another, my wife and kids are in Venezuela and we're all a little homesick. We've been blessed with the technology to be able to talk every day and lately my wife and I have taken to typing sweet nothings to each other into the wee hours of the night. 3 weeks and a day and we'll all be reunited in Venezuela.

I was able to catch up on my online reading yesterday and found a few unrelated items of interest.

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Because of the absence of my wife I've been particularly enjoying PaPaTevia's musings about marriage on his blog recently in the wake of his 25th wedding anniversary.

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If you're like me and find archeology interesting, you may like models of ancient sites. Here's a rather large one of ancient Jerusalem.

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Here's a humorous video from repentandtrustdotorg on YouTube. "8 Reasons I Don't Share My Faith" - do you identify with any of these reasons?

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There were also a couple of interesting posts about genetics. On Answers in Genesis, they report that scientists have found another layer of complexity in the genetic code. Scientists have found, much to their astonishment that a single gene can produce more than one protein depending on what enzyme "reads" it. This is a form of information compression that make zip files look like child's play. On Triablogue they have a humorous "report" about the discovery that humans share 50% of their genes with bananas.

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On a theological note, Strange BaptistFire posted an article about the Glory of God.

“Glorify” is the verb form of the noun “glory,” which translates the Hebrew word kabod, meaning “weight” or “heaviness.” This word speaks to heaviness in terms of dignity, and indicates a radically humbling emotional impact on any who encounter true glory; as seen, for example, in the experience of the Prophet Isaiah, who, when encountering the glory of God, began to call down curses upon himself for his sin (Isaiah 6).

Consider that God already has "glory" and we can give Him no glory that He doesn't already have. When we glorify God, we don't give God more glory than He already has. Instead, we recognize His glory and align ourselves with Him.

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In Him,
-Jim